Interlude 2
Gray
Teetering between
the beastal and the divine -
This is what it means to be human.
I've been an angel
And at times a devil,
Zarathustra and Azazel
When I was born
I had another name,
but I don't recall it anymore.
When I was younger
I was someone else,
but I can't remember him now.
Redeemer and Destroyer, Pawn and Messiah,
Satan and Savior...
Circles! Like a snake chasing its own tail.
Each time I ascend
I'm cast down to earth again.
Is this what it means to be human?
12/18/07
F.T. Minus 1 - Cosmic Orgasm
(Listening to Another Big Ocean, Castle Oldchair from the album Sad Pants. Download it from iTunes now!)
"Music can inspire love, religious ecstasy, cathartic release, social bonding and a glimpse of another dimension...People in ecstasy look ridiculous"
- David Byrne
The concept of a Male God is absolutely absurd. To understand any artist you must look at his/her art. The only evidence I need to tell me that God possesses all feminine qualities as well as the masculine is to look at the beauty and strength in the female creations, especially women. If God is a solely masculine He, Him, Father figure, then tell me, who made women? Clearly, the Divine Being must possess in itself all feminine as well as masculine qualities. God must transcend all paradigms of sexuality and at the same time include them all. To deny this is to deny all the evidence found in the universe around us. To deny this fact is to spit in the face of the Creator of all things feminine, masculine, and otherwise.
On this basis I conclude that the subordination of women so prevalent in the religions of the world is a crime instigated by men on the premise that 'might makes right'. Here is where the prototype for all human injustice and slavery has its foundation. The precedent having been set, endless forms of human tyranny have been justified by those in power.
In the pursuit of altered states of consciousness (ASCs), I have found two experiences that truly embody the transcension of our normal daily experience: Music and Sex.
Music is a transdimensional experience in that it allows us to plug into the universe in a very direct way. We live in a cosmos based on wavelengths, sympathetic vibrations, and predictable responses with just enough random action injected into the whole mix to keep everything interesting.
Improvised music is not only a reflection of this universe, but an interchange with it on its own terms. The ability to react with others on this basis is an amazing experience that allows the group to free themselves from the bonds of the ego and involve themselves with a truly higher form of communication and union that many people never know. Furthermore, to invite an audience to participate in such a Holy ceremony is an honor. Music is an advanced form of communication. As Carl Jung once said, "The appreciation of art can scarcely be seperated from the act of creation." Music connects us with the Divine on a level that was purposed from the founding of this Holy Reality.
Despite the power of music as a transdimensional experience, there is another that surpasses it. The sexual union of two humans is the Ultimate ASC, the ultimate transdimensional experience. In the sexual bond of two lovers, all sense of ego is forsaken in favor of a Holy Union. Ecstasy is the transcendence of all our egocentric self, all sense of boundary, all illusion of reality, of even time and space. This idea is the very definition of transdimensional experience.
At the point of orgasm we are connected not only to each other, but to the Divine Reality - the transcendence of all gender paradigms and at the same time the embodiment of them in their entirety. Lovers transecend their individuality and are in every real sense... One. This is the highest form of communication. Orgasm is to see the face of God clearly and unashamed.
Love is the best.
12/17/07
Interlude 1
Cialis commercials warn that if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours, you should call a doctor. Note to self: If I ever have an erection lasting more than 4 hours, I'm going to call an escort service.
Dreams about flight
Throughout my adult life, and perhaps longer, I have had dreams about flight, levitation, etc. When I was younger and more naive about the nature of dreams I took these as simply entertaining or interesting. As time passed, however, the particulars of these dreams evolved over spans of months and sometimes years. With these changes I soon made the connection between my own waking-life and the content of my dreams.
(For the sake of visualization it is noteworthy that I fly in an upright, almost standing 'Magneto' position as opposed to the lying down 'Superman' style of flight. My arms are usually crossed but frequently they are occupied with some type of energy flow or physical activity.)
My earliest flight dreams involved situations such as hurrying down a highway just above the general automotive traffic. Another that recurred a few times was of tall vicious snakes, and I was just barely able to avoid their strikes.
These dreams gradually evolved into flight-dreams involving the overwhelming pull of gravity. I would fight the descent back to earth or some danger to no avail. In time I came to associate the pull of gravity with helplessness or the inability to control external forces. Flight, on the other hand, was absolute freedom ("overcoming" in the sense of Nietzsche's Zarathustra). The era of gravity-centered flight-dreams must have gone on for years.
Sometime early this year a major shift occured in the nature of these dreams. Gravity no longer held sway! Beyond the absolute freedom of motion, flight has become a feature of many of my dreams not directly related to flight. Often I will revert to momentary flight ability to avoid some danger or overcome some obstacle. This is one of the few circumstances that I feel may be my moving into a type of lucid-dreaming.
Recently I dreamt of flying too high into the clouds and losing my bearing (a warning?). When I descended, I found that I had landed somewhere several miles to the the diametrically wrong direction. I was among casual acquaintences from the past. There was no sense of either distress or pleasure, only recognition (much akin to the sense of 'centeredness' of yoga). The overall feeling was something like "no problem, just stay focused".
Just 2 days ago I had a very interesting flight dream, one that welcomes me into another era of cosciousness. In this dream I was in the neighborhood where I grew up. There was a crowd of people gathered outside of an old factory. I was speaking to two paricular members of the crowd, one a man and the other a woman. I was giving instructions in the overcoming of gravity. We all began to gradually levitate together.
For further explanation of this dream please read Chapter 6 of Roger Walsh's "The World of Shamanism".
12/6/07
Meta-Dreaming
(I just awoke from a vivid and rather lengthy dream. This dream is analogous to a literary discipline known as metawriting - that is, writing about writing. My own recollection of it is in choppy short sentences, much like a film noir narration. Please enjoy...)
"I was driving in my car. I needed to get away for a while, maybe a couple of days, maybe more. I didn't have any smokes, so I kept the windows up despite the fact that it was a very beautiful sunshiney day.
"As I headed up the exit ramp I got distracted, I don't remember by what, maybe searching hopelessly for some cigarettes. When I looked up I was veering off to the left, I couldn't regain control, soon the car was plummeting down onto whatever unknown below. Time seemed suspended as I struggled to buckle the seat belt. I had time to acknowledge a few things:
1) The car was probably going to land directly on its top
2) If I was lucky I would be killed instantly
3) If I wasn't so lucky, the axial load would paralyze me.
"The shadow overtook the interior of the vehicle as I fell ever closer to the ...
"I woke up in a small town neighborhood like you might picture post WWII heartland America. Swinging gently in the dusk breeze, was a lamp posted at the front of the nearest brick building. It was possibly a very informal and modest church or a very nice private home.
"There were neighborly citizens sitting around on their yards enjoying the not quite dark of the night in their lawn chairs. It seemed that a carnival or street fair was taking place down the street. I reached for a cigarette, didn't have any, so I went to get some...
"I was walking along a path overrun with tall grass along the side of a river. I was accompanied by some vague prior acquaintence. These kind of tag alongs always seem to spoil an otherwise perfect silence.
"It wasn't long before he was saying something very sexually rude about a femme' that I know. I gave him one warning.
"He didn't take it.
"I did what it is that I do.
"It wasn't very nice.
"In the twilight premature, the dark, for what it was worth, was exhilarating.
"I thought only passingly about the possibility of someone finding the body...didn't matter much, right is right...
"I woke up in a small town neighborhood like you might picture post WWII heartland America. Swinging gently in the dusk breeze, was a lamp posted at the front of the nearest building. It was possibly a very modest church or a private home.
"There were neighborly citizens sitting around enjoying the early evening in their lawn chairs. It seemed that a carnival or street fair was taking place down the street. I reached for a cigarette, it was crinkled and bent, I would smoke it anyway.
"I wondered if this scene would play out a little differently next time around. Had I been killed in the car crash? Was this what the brain did in the last minutes of clinical death? The flash of mere seconds that make up our ordinary sleeping dreams could potentially last an eternity in the unconscious realm. Was this the meaning of "after-life"? All these possibilities came to me at once.
"I shrugged them off as I lit my cigarette and walked alone once more down the small town street, away from the carnival lights and neighborly conversations...
12/3/07 Entry I
On Lucid Dreaming
- Contributed by Fishgate
I recently have had a couple of dreams where I am reading something, and come to a part that I want to read twice.
I realize that I am having difficulty reading it a second time. I wonder why I am having difficulty reading...
Suddenly, I realize that I am dreaming.
- Fishgate
11/25/07
Ashheap's First Blasphemous Truth
What has been propagated to the masses:
"To the making of many books there is no end. And the devotion of much time to them is wearisome to the soul."
- Ecclesiastes 12:12
What should be told to the masses:
"To the making of many books there is no end. And they have been the greatest comfort to me."
- Ash
"Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so, thanks for nuthin'."
- Bart Simpson
Sleeping Demons
Reply to a Recurring Dream
Have you ever had to kill
Something that you loved
Just to end its misery?
If I let down my guard
You would force my hands upon the crux
And the nail through my palms.
Tell me...
What would be the fucking point
In my allowing that?
There is no peace
Even in sleep;
My dreams are so haunted.
I remind myself
This is only an illusion
And a memory of regret.
- Ash
The Supreme example of Zen Braman Taoism
Maggie Simpson.
Yea, that's right, Marge and Homer's youngest child.
She is completely caught up in each moment. Constantly in awe and at the same time fully engaged in every aspect of the ever-changing Now.
She is like a blade of grass in the melestrom of winds of change: Never breaking or faltering, but bending WITH both the subtle and cataclysmic.
No fear, no trepedation, only connectedness.
Diss Belief
Belief
Belief is overrated. There is danger in belief. For every concept that you choose to believe, you eliminate the negative possibility, and probably others closely related to this negation. Belief limits possiblities. Choose your beliefs carefully!
I believe in love.
I believe music connects us to the Divine, whom created this universe of wavelengths, tides, frequencies, sympathetic vibrations,etc.
I believe that I exist.
I believe that I am now typing on this keyboard.
I believe that none of this can be confirmed.
Love and Time
As I listen to Puscifer 'V is for Vagina'...
After writing a short essay on the relative nature of time, the comment was made I don't believe in time.
This reminds me of a conversation I had about 9 months ago: The discussion was about love. I was asked if I believe in love. Here's how the conversation went...
I explained that love in all cases amounts to usefulness. For instance, you love a best friend; what does this really mean? This: the two of you have mutual interests, give eachother moral support, share ideas about life, etc. In short, you GET something from eachother. You have something to offer to the other. *USEFULNESS.
*'Egoism' would likely be more technically correct, but I rather enjoy the slap-in-the-face feel of USEFULNESS.
In another case, parent/child love, the situation is similar. In this example, as time passes the emotional dependence between said parties strengthens. This dependence stems USEFULNESS. A previously nonexistent gap is filled by the interaction of these now emotional dependent parties.
The other big case of love: Romantic. This case is not much different from the previous 2 examples. Initially, there is a visual/sexual attraction. Hopefully this progresses to a spiritual/intellectual connection. But the outcome is still the same. Dependence...USEFULNESS.
If this seems harsh or cynical, think about these words...
"Hearts are betrayers and fleeting
Ill-equipped yet well accutomed to this game.
How easily we find ourselves
Another object with a similar aim."
The idea here is not to undermine the importance or the value of love in its various forms, but to honestly evaluate what the term implies. What is the operational definition of love? Usefulness! When I say "I love you", the implication is 'there's something about who you are that appeals to me, you comfort me, I find you useful'...
So, my responses to whether or not I believe in 'love' or 'time' are the same. I believe in them, but I'm not fooled by them.
Importance
In my "revaluation of all things" (See Friedrich Nietzsche) I asked myself a couple of questions recently: What is important to me? and What makes me happy? These are actually subtly different in their intention.
What is important to me? (Not an exhaustive list)
- Loyalty
- Honesty
- Courage
- Strength
- To scrutinize every proposition
- Pliralism
- Universality
- Love
- Contentment
- Learning
- Plugging into the universe
- Light
- Darknesss
- The Bast hunting in tall grass
- The Horus in flight
- Music
- Beautiful, strong, intelligent women
- To stand in awe of that which cannot be seen
- Rays of sunlight shining through clouds
- Mother moon shining through clouds
- Lying in the grass and looking up at the stars while having a double martini
- Natural geometry
- Experiences
- Possibilities
- Zen
Open-ended Questions (Dear God, ...)
Dear God...
Why is it that whenever I listen to The Cure's 'Boys Don't Cry', I do?
Why are there no women with a mind like Castle Oldchair?
Better yet, why can't I put Castle's mind into a woman's body?
And why is it that I instinctively give the finger to cutesy slogans on church signs?
Any way, something or other about Kelly Harris.
Amen
P.S. And Jesus, I appreciate everything you've done for me
But I want you to remember
That Socrates died for me too...
And something about Kelly Harris
[Later, after recovering from the strike of a bolt of lightning]
On another odd note, I formulated this idea earlier this week: all human existence boils down to 2 simple categories: Experience and Possibilities.
Compare this to the Empiricist a posteriori versus the Rationalist a priori.
This was probably on Monday. So, today, Friday, I bought a copy of Aleister Crowley's 'The Book of Lies' and the first 2 pages were stunning! On one side (left or right, I don't remember which) is a portrait proportioned rectangle with a simple "!" in the center. On the other open page was the same rectangle with "?" inside it.
"!" = experience.
"?" = possibility.
Anyway, please help Kelly Harris.
Theologue
The Indiana native trees literally canopied over our site and the half-moon was shining through some of the leaves. I sat in my chair and gaized into the whirring dirvish flames of our fire, I began to drift off into a trance that was slightly on this side of unconscious. For the first time that I can remember, I could hear each distinct forest sound as an individual instrument of a natural symphony. There were a couple of recurring parts that others would weave in and out of periodically. On my left and up about 30 feet I heard a tree frog making an intermittent click-chirp (1+,3+,4), while a pair of crickets hard panned in stereo played a beautifully dissonent half -step from each other as a constant backdrop. From time to time a dog barking, a car engine, a creaking tree, or some other thing would interject itself like a solo instrument in a jazz ensemble.
Right then I understood for the first time the true nature of improv on a level previously unknown. It also occurred to me that these were not chance, random sounds creating what would normally be understood technically as 'noise'. Each rythm and echo was not simply contributing to the whole, but also playing off of the others...
"Finding beauty in the dissonence". -MJK
Fett aked if I was sleeping, I barely got out the simple reply 'no' as I was so enthralled. Over the next couple days I discovered that I could find this place consciously. I can enter this altered-state at will. I own it. It is a part of me, or rather, I am a part of it.
Ash